Toddlerhood
The Classic Signs
An Amusing Take On Early Life

So what are the classic signs of toddlerhood? The classic 1956 horror film Invasion of The Bodysnatchers detailed how alien pods landed in a small town, hatched out and took over the personalities of the inhabitants.

The day after the transformation, people were unrecognisable as bland robotic Stepford wives/husbands/children.

The arrival of toddlerhood is a bit like this - but in reverse.

One day you are cheering your crawling baby on, desperate for him to take those first historic steps on the road to independence.

Then you spend 2 years reeling in horror.

Make no mistake: you will lose most or all of the following during the next 2 years:

  • One piece of irreplaceable jewellery
  • The use of your DVD player
  • The ability to make any kind of meaningful decision
  • The will to live, if your child is given a Barney DVD for Christmas

So sit back and learn the best ways to get ready for life-changing event that is Toddlerhood.

You Know You Are In Toddlerhood When...

You weep with regret as you watch the video of your child taking her first steps. "You fool!" you howl, peering at a clip of yourself cheering the kid along.

Having had a second baby, people start asking why you are always winking at them. You have to explain that, in spite of appearances, you are actually too tired to keep both eyes open at the same time.

You are on first-name terms with the store detective in your local supermarket. It's a joint (but futile) effort to prevent your child reaching out from the prison of the shopping trolley for anything in a glass jar/containing E numbers, before he inevitably succeeds in smashing, throwing or consuming it.

By his second birthday, Internet shopping will be your only solution, having been banned from every retail outlet within a 30 mile radius.

After the social lull of babyhood, you start going to wild parties again (NB in this context, the word 'wild' has the alternative meaning of 'running round after your post-sugar demon child who is biting, kicking and robbing the birthday boy/girl')

You feel experienced enough to apply for top-level crisis management jobs in the government, UN etc.

You then get offered each job you apply for - but turn them down as they all clash with toddler group on a Tuesday morning.

You start speaking in code to your partner (Actually, to anyone over the age of 5). Thus 'brown stuff' becomes code for chocolate; as in 'Can you pop to the shops and buy some...' This is fine as long as other people know what you're going on about. 'Darling, there's lots of brown stuff on this Christmas tree, we need to keep an eye on Brady' might not go down too well at Aunty Ida's next Yuletide.

Go to the nearest bar and find a drunk with minimal bladder control and zero social skills. Take him home and attempt to get him to eat 5 portions of fruit and vegetables a day.

Withdraw the entire contents of your bank account the day you are paid. Now go round to Toys R Us and empty your purse or wallet on the counter. Alternatively, a direct bank transfer is quicker.

Mix up some peanut butter, jam and yoghurt in a bowl. Spread liberally all over your carpet, soft furnishings etc. Try to choose cream or any light coloured surfaces

This is all just tongue in cheek funnies.

Enjoy the toddler years, they really are so much fun, more so when you look back on them!

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